I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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