What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
