I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
