Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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