I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
