the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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