i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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