A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
