I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
