drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
