Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
