i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
