Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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