It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
