2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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