Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
