i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
