I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
