I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
