Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
