your room smells of hookers.
And success
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
