I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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