Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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