I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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