Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i will never coherently bang her
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
