I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
