I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
