Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
