how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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