So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
