Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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