She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
