I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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