i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
