It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
