My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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