i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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