i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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