So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
