Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
