Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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