perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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