i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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