He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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