just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
