You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
