I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
