I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
