Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
