my mouth tastes like poor choices
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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