i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
